I just stopped to read her whole message. As I imagined I regret it.
She asked me Why.
I can't just say ''honestly, I also forgot Why''
I mean.... that was probably the only thing I really managed to forget. Every time I talk to people about almost anything slightly important she comes to my mind and I mention her to people like 'that best friend I don't talk to anymore'. Some of my friends already know her name.
I live in a house with a couple of friends in Campinas now. Sometimes when I'm there I just think of how awesome would it be if she could be here with me. And then I get sad.
But after all this time I don't think we would even manage to have a friendship. I changed into something I know she sort of hate. Only in futile details, I think. I mean... I've been wearing colorfully now. I'm listening to happy and meaningless music, not only heavy progressive rock. I hang out with some sexist friends who are kinda stupid, like, she would be too much cool for them. Also, she was that loner, liked to have just a few friends. I have a bunch of friends now. Some I live with. Some of my class. Some of my bar. 3 or 4 major groups of friends. I get along quite well with most of them. And she was always so jealous of people I fell in love with and of people I called close friends that she refused to become friends with them... although there's Ken, whom she's still friends with, I guess.
If I could bring her back to my life I'd want her to be friends with my friends. And I don't think that's even possible. I don't know.
Maybe I just don't know how to get things right after one full year apart.
I sometimes see myself wondering how is she doing with her live. Wonder if she's still with that boyfriend. With that band. With that dog. With those parents. I even consider asking some things to some of her friends I think she still talks to. But then I just give up.
I just don't have the guts to talk to her, to search her.
There is one thing she did that really hurt me. Nowadays I think I overreacted, I don't know.
I spent 3 and a half years away, out of town, I lost all friends from São Paulo. Then I finally get back. Back to town, we were in the same city again, what she claimed to be missing. - actually, she said I didn't travel for her as she traveled for me. And there was once I traveled for that guy I was in love with, not only for her. And then I end up not going to find him but whatever - and there was I, in a city I had only her, and she decided to be mad at me. To avoid me. Leaving me with poliedro and my depression. It was horrible. Awful. Painfull. I started walking around with people I didn't really like because otherwise I would just be literally alone.
I never got over that.
But now it doesn't seems to be reason enough. So I guess I just don't really now Why.
Miss you
Moron
